Member-only story
Learning to Love Myself More Than Alcohol
Who Am I When I’m Not Drinking?
Readers please note: this story discusses excessive alcohol consumption. If you need help or information about substance abuse, contact the National Helpline.
On a frigid December morning, I woke up and stumbled to the kitchen to find coffee. The room felt exceptionally chilly, except it wasn’t the house that was cold. My wife icily said to me, “You were an ass to me last night. I don’t like it when you drink anymore.”
Earnestly I responded, “You know what? I don’t like it when I drink anymore either.”
That is the absolute truth. Except, now what?
From the precipice of a dramatic shift, my relationship with alcohol has come into question, and I wonder why I still love it so? Why did I ever love it? The love between me and alcohol is not unconditional. It treats me like shit. If it were a person, we would have broken up years ago.
But, noooo. Alcohol comes around a few times a week to make me happy for a short time, then leaves me in ruins for days after.
It’s about to be New Year’s Eve, and I’m nervous. I don’t know what sobriety looks like, and I’m anxious about it for several reasons.
