Member-only story
Foreskin Croutons
I’m back, assholes! Like you care…
After about a month away from this place, I come back to you feeling recharged and at peace and one with the universe. In the last month, I got sober and took a trip to the desert. I took Peyote and spoke with Jesus. She told me some interesting things that might intrigue you.
Wanna hear? Of course you do. Don’t be coy.
First of all, Jesus happens to be a wicked-smart black woman from Trinidad and Tobago. In her free time she enjoys ice dancing and cow hunting, which she admits isn't as challenging as it used to be. She also enjoys long romantic walks in the catacombs under Paris. She has been married and divorced twice and has two kids whose whereabouts are unknown, but are suspected to have infiltrated the Trump administration.
Anyway, she told me a few things I needed to work on personally and some things to share with you. Remember: Don’t shoot me; I’m just the messenger.
First of all, there’s a bit of a discrepancy. There were supposed to be fifteen commandments, but Moses had just come from an Antonine Plague “super spreader” event. He dropped the third stone because his hands were covered in pigeon wing sauce and hubris, so there are some commandments nobody knows about. Fucking Moses.
